Deidara's Drawers
by LoneWolf KIA
Summary: Hidan and Kakuzu devise a fiendish plan to discover, once and for all, what Deidara's gender really is. A filthy suggestive mess of weird stuff. I have yet to write a yaoi-free story. Reviews please!


Deidara's Drawers

A disturbing gurgling sound could be heard echoing around the Akatsuki base. Frenzied footsteps travelled at speed through the corridors. Puzzled, Pein stuck his head out of his door to see what was happening.

"Hey, what the fu-"

With a startled look on his face, Pein swiftly brought his head back in, narrowly avoiding having it taken off by a gurgling, yellow blur. The blur sped down the hallway, skidding to a halt outside the toilet door.

Pein stuck his head back out. "Deidara!" he yelled. "You stupid man-woman! What the hell?!?"

But Deidara had no time to explain himself. He grabbed onto the handle and shook it vigorously, but it wouldn't open. Through tearful eyes, he noticed the sign on the lock: "Occupado." Deidara felt his bowels start to implode. With no time to lose, he grabbed onto the door frame and, with a huge pull, broke the door off it's hinges. Deidara was surprised and disturbed to see Tobi sitting on the toilet.

"WHAT THE FUCK DEIDARA!!!" he screamed, desperately trying to pull up his trousers, "TOBI IS IN HERE!!!"

Deidara grabbed hold of Tobi. "FUCK YOU MAN!!!" he shrieked into Tobi's startled face, hurling him out of the doorway.

Deidara picked up the door and reattached it as best he could. Two seconds later the sounds of reality being ripped apart could be heard emanating from the Akatsuki's toilet, accompanied by Deidara's sighs of relief. Konan, none the wiser, sidled down the hallway. See stopped outside the toilet to see Tobi sprawled face down on the floor, his pants round his ankles.

"Every fucking Sunday…" she sighed, side stepping around him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hidan and Kakuzu were crouching down beside the door to Deidara's room.

"Are you sure about this?" asked Kakuzu.

"Of course!" Hidan proclaimed.

He took a bottle out of his robes labelled: _"X-LAX: Extra strength laxative."_

"Half a bottle of this in Deidara's ramen should keep him in the bathroom for another hour." Hidan said.

He thought for a moment.

"Wait…" he mumbled, "Whose turn is it to clean the bathroom?"

"Zetsu's." replied Kakuzu.

"Excellent."

The zombie twins checked to see if the coast was clear, then cautiously opened the door and went inside.

"OK." Said Hidan, standing beside Deidara's bed. "This will once and for all decide whether or not Deidara is a man."

Kakuzu looked at the 'Take That' poster on the wall. "Right now I'm thinking: Woman." He said.

"Oh yeah!" cried Hidan, pointing at something on Deidara's pillow.

Kakuzu picked it up. "A thong!" he said, "He's a woman!"

Hidan frowned. "Wait, why does it say 'Konan' on the label?"

The two ningas looked at each other slowly. Kakuzu nonchalantly slipped the underwear into his robe for… 'safekeeping.'

Hidan pointed at Deidara's dresser. "You check through there." He told Kakuzu. "Check whether he has men's or women's underwear in there…"

Kakuzu opened the top draw and rummaged through. He frowned and began searching through all the other draws.

"Well?" said Hidan expectantly. "Which is it?"

"Er… neither…" Kakuzu mumbled.

Hidan looked in the drawers. They were all filled with stripy tube socks, but no underwear.

"Well…" pondered Kakuzu. "Apparently Deidara goes 'free and easy'…"

Hidan cursed. "Dammit!" he yelled. "I let him sit on my bed!"

"Hold on," said Kakuzu, "There must be underwear somewhere. Check under the bed."

Hidan lay down on the floor and stuck his arm under Deidara's bed. After a minute or two he pulled out a large cardboard box. He ripped off the cello tape sealing it and opened it up.

"AHAH!!!" he exclaimed, taking out a frilly pink bra. "This proves it: DEIDARA IS A WOMAN!!!"

Kakuzu looked thoughtfully into the box. "Wait a minute." He said. "I'm not sure this stuff is… _for _Deidara…"

"What do you mean?" asked Hidan, absent minedly sniffing the bra.

"Well look at it!" Kakuzu cried.

He reached in a pulled out something black and rubbery.

"WOAH FUCK!!!" yelled Hidan, recoiling in shock. "PUT THAT BACK! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN!!!"

Kakuzu stared at what he was holding. "Actually, I think I do…" he whispered, carefully replacing the… object.

Hidan peered into the box. "Hey!" he shouted, taking out a large spiky dog collar. "So that's where this went!"

He glanced at Kakuzu. "Er… I mean… WHAT THE HELL IS DEIDARA DOING WITH SOMETHING AS… VILE… DISGUSTING AND… fun… AS THIS?!?"

Kakuzu just raised an eyebrow.

Coughing self-consciously, Hidan began emptying the box. "Chains," he listed off the items, "Leashes, collars… A WHIP!!" He stared at Kakuzu. "I think we've found Deidara's 'special' box…"

The two of them stared at each other. "What's that?" asked Deidara, pointing at something furry and brown in the box.

Hidan picked up the furry bundle with a puzzled expression. "Cat ears and tail?!" he exclaimed.

He and Kakuzu shared a knowing look… (They knew who _**that**_ was for…)

"So what do we do with this stuff?" asked Kakuzu.

Hidan began re-packing the box. "Well…" he said smoothly, "I should probably destroy this selection of foul items…"

Kakuzu raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Really? How are you going to do that?"

"Burning it…" Hidan said over his shoulder, quickly leaving the room, adding: "There's a lighter in my room…"

"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!" screamed Kakuzu, pinning Hidan onto the bed. "I'm not letting you take these for your own personal use, you PERV!"

Hidan struggled to break free. "So what are you going to do with them?"

Kakuzu paused. "Erm…" He slapped Hidan, unable to think of a suitable lie.

Hidan attempted to wriggle free, knocking the contents of the box flying all over the room as Kakuzu continued to slap him.

* * *

Deidara limped down the hallway, clutching his stomach and looking noticeably thinner. He came to the door of his room, looking forward to having a nice lie down. As the was turning the knob, he suddenly heard loud moaning coming from inside. Cautiously, he let the door swing open. He stood there in disbelief, staring at what was happening **on his bed! **Kakuzu had Hidan, who was moaning in pain, pinned down on the bed and was giving him a hard spanking. Deidara looked down and saw a mass of leathery and rubbery recreational tools scattered around them.

_I could just leave right now if I wanted…_ thought Deidara.

Suddenly Hidan looked up, saliva dripping down his chin. The silly grin on his face vanished as he noticed Deidara staring. He prodded Kakuzu, who slowly turned his head towards Deidara. The three of them stared for a while, trying to ignore the tons of… things lying everywhere.

"This isn't what it looks like…" muttered Kakuzu.

Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Yes it is."

Kakuzu bashfully nodded and looked down pathetically.

Deidara coughed. "Ok, let's make a deal." He said, "You keep quiet about the box, and I wont put the pictures of you two on the internet. Sound fair?"

Hidan looked up at the masked ninga lying on top of him. "Yeah, sounds fair…"

Deidara smiled. "Can I have my stuff back please?" he asked.

Kakuzu sheepishly took the whip and collar from his robes. Deidara glared at Hidan, who hadn't moved.

"What?" Hidan exclaimed innocently.

Deidara wasn't fooled. "Hand 'em over, Hidan."

With a groan, Hidan reluctantly brought out the cat ears and tail.

"Thank you," Deidara said, grabbing the furry items of clothing greedily, "I expect I will need _those_ later."

He glared at them. "What were you two doing in here anyway?"

Kakuzu and Hidan glanced at each other.

"Well…" said Hidan.

"We were trying to find out whether you were a…

Deidara grinned.

'_ZIP'_

* * *

Pale faced, the zombie twins stumbled out of the room. The door slammed behind them. Hidan clutched his stomach. Kakuzu bent over and threw up into a potted plant. He stood up, wiping his mouth, and looked at Hidan. The two of them spoke simultaneously:

"Man…"

* * *

Meanwhile Deidara (now officially a man) held the phone up to his ear. He gazed at the furry brown cat ears on the bedside table, twirling the tail around in his hands. Somebody picked up on the other end of the line. Deidara licked his lips.

"Here kitty, kitty…"


End file.
